My interpretation of positivity
It's been a hot second since I have updated the blog. Reasons include ever since having that 3-day weekend a few weeks ago, I haven't stopped working since. I try to go sit in the sun here and there, go longboard at night here and there, but most of my time has been dedicated to making shitty coffee to people and managing to put a smile on their face. I think I have been doing a pretty damn good job to making other people's day. In regards to myself and my emotions, I haven't been so lucky. Lately, I have been pondering about the purpose of life - not the kind of purpose that encompasses going in deep and digging out the 'meanings of life' but the kind that relates to how do I better position myself in order to get to a destination I want to arrive at.
Working is not a choice. I read a lot of articles indicating that you should do what you love. Find your passion. Live your dream. Quit your job and go travel. Take risks. The list goes on. I do realize that I am one that complains a lot. But I don't complain endlessly. There are reasons that motivate me to complain and for me, complaining is a way to avoid multiple implosions, it is a means for me to let out those negative thoughts that shouldn't have made their way into my brain but somehow, my immune system shuts down and allowed negativity to make its grand entrance into my tiny and fragile mind.
Ever since graduating from the WDI course, I haven't given up on pursuing a career in tech. I really wish I could be on the other end of the spectrum and write about my positive experiences with finding a job as a web developer. I haven't yet achieved that so that positive post that involves rainbow and unicorns would have to wait. I tell my friends the problems I am facing. A common concern I have might be "Oh yeah, I have been working a lot. Probably a 50+ hour work week plus no days off until after a 10-day streak". Their responses are always almost identical - you shouldn't be working. If I had a choice, I wouldn't want to be spending an insane amount of hours trying to satisfying some superficial customer need. I disregard the fact that I'm a horrible person. I'm so empathetic that it hurts my own guts sometimes. And makes me feel ultra vulnerable. Nonetheless, I wish I was spending the time on something more meaningful. I wish I could be that productive young prodigy that always gets what she wants. Be that token Asian that excels in Math and Science. But I'm none of the aforementioned. Growing up, I have always dedicated myself in finding my own path. I tend to want to find my own ways and means to carve out processes that make me feel good about myself and know where it would take me. I have been telling myself over and over again, it doesn't matter how slow I'm going as long as I am going.
I work because I have bills to pay. I work because I have rent to pay. I work because I promise myself that I would be self sufficient and I want to be financially independent. I work because I want to be more closely connected to reality and understand the hardships of other people (I think this has a lot to do with my background in Political Economy). I apologize that I don't have the privilege to dig through my savings and splurge. I apologize that my family doesn't live here and that I have to be able to pay rent myself. "Why don't you just move back home?" Hey, did I already mention that a lot of articles have been encourage young individuals to take risks and whatnot? This is exactly what I am doing.
I am not complaining about your first world privileges. I just want people to understand that certain people do things not because they don't have choices (of course, that's not always the case. I can write a whole post about the opposite). They decided to do things because they have something to prove to themselves and others. This is the type of person that I am. My family has never stopped supporting me and encouraging me to push the limits.
"The number one reason why I keep going is because I know I have a permanent strong fan base back home in Hong Kong cheering me on in regards to every obstacle I am overcoming." 🤘
Now that I have manifested all the feels that I have feeling lately (I'm sure there are many more feels stuck inside that I would eventually let out), here are some overdue photos from my trip to Ellensburg a few weeks ago doing a 5k run at the Wild Horse Wind Farms. It was a challenging path to run cause the path did not really exist for the most part. We also derailed from Interstate 90 and headed to the Grand Coulee Dam. I was feeling so inspired that weekend. It really are moments like those that make you appreciate that hours you put into hard work. I can't wait to go places again.
