Raw and Honest
“Try to rediscover, if you can, the joy of creation for its own sake. Don’t see the outcome of your next project as some kind of barometer of your worth. Believe in yourself and break the Imposter spiral by putting in the work and effort that you feel this particular project deserves and requires based on its merit and difficulty level.”
I am honestly pretty excited that Taylor Swift is back on Spotify. Listening to T-Swift is probably considered a guilty pleasure and if I ever have to tell other people what my g pleasure is, I no longer have to tell them how I enjoy patting the hair of my coworkers, I could potentially just let them know how I secretly (and low-key) relate to Miss Swift.
But in reality, that definitely was not the point of this post. But I can assure you that I am currently (or perhaps for the past 15 minutes) jamming to her music as I am writing this post.
After a pretty long and horrible week, I am finally sitting here enjoying my day off. Having a day off on Friday has re-injected the 'yay' into 'Friyay'. Because my days off are pretty scarce, I am having a hard time prioritizing the tasks I should complete first. I have started multiple projects. I have started the job application process. I have started reading this and that. Today I finally feel like I am definitely burning myself out. I feel like I have also been alienating myself from the real world. I am lost in a pool of information. I am super overwhelmed by all the 'yes' and 'no's' from other people. Reading about how people made it to a point where they are comfortable with their careers is really inspirational but at times, it could be draining. It opens up new perspectives for myself. I don't know if it's because I have been graduated for far too long. Sometimes I find it extremely difficult to synthesize all the information and tips that are made available to me through the Internet.
Today, I decided to write down a list of things that I wish to accomplish. I didn't entirely set a deadline for myself. Maybe I am too afraid, or maybe there is no time. But today, I am done with coming up with excuses and reasons why I'm not good enough, why I decided to do this instead of that, and ultimately I want to be able to own up to my decisions and make a bang. I am taking a few steps back to try to understand the drive and motivation I used to possess. Life hasn't been entirely easy and I have no complaints. It is safe to say that I do get burned out because there are times I feel as though I am the only one in a position like this but I know for sure that I am not, and I know there are numerous people out there, doing what I'm doing and feeling how I'm feeling.
I am rather tired of having to explain myself over and over again why I am currently working in retail and working unbelievably odd hours. To mitigate that, I know I have been falling into the trap of sugarcoating things to make things seem like they are better than they are. I've been curving reality in certain ways just to make myself seem like I really got myself together. I want to take this opportunity to really confront my worst fears and to overcome them. There were times that I thought I was getting better. But I know I haven't been feeling entirely better because my morale is way too easy to be trampled over and broken up into pieces.
Ever since graduating from college, I think I have lost a big chunk of personality. For whatever reasons, I have been concealing them and not being honest with myself and with other people. Some people are able to skew their personalities to fit the societal norms. I don't ever want to because in the end, I want to share my core values and passions with the world through creating something. But we all understand that in order to fuel certain passions and change a career (that never took flight), it requires sacrifices. I know I have been taking a whole lot of time trying to figure things out.
"Work hard in silence. Let your success be your noise."
But today, I promise myself that I am going to take baby steps in achieving something. I want to generate and craft good and meaningful work. I don't want to ever stop learning and educate and equip myself with knowledge and skills. I might be playing catch up at the moment, but I still believe in perseverance and persistence. I'm not trying to be a better version of myself. I am simply trying to work with the handicaps I have and own up to them and make things happen.