How much is too much?

Cape Perpetua - back when I had time to take road trips to the Oregon Coast.

Refers exactly to how many fucks I should be giving on a daily basis. I promise this will the last post I ever rant about my own sufficiencies. But when a girl needs to confess, let her be.

I have been feeling like I'm being stretched in all directions. Perhaps that isn't the best metaphor one can provide, but I always feel like I'm bolting towards different directions. It always feel like I'm frazzled all the time. I'm turning 28 this year and I can't seem to figure out a career path. Each job has been, 'Great, this pays the bills' or 'Perfect. I'm making money to fuel my other interests'. And then here comes the lists of interests that I can't seem to channel into a solid career. I realized I have an interest in a lot of things but I can never get myself to focus on one thing. When I talk about one thing, I'm referring to the fact that I could do a little bit of something, but can never become an expert at something.

When I don't get to specialize on one thing, I feel as though I can never get the job I want. I've dipped my toes in graphic design, photography, web design, web development, full-stack apps and even making coffee for my job. But the question always goes back to 'What the fuck am I doing with my life?"

And that is the exact reason why I want to talk about how many fucks I should be giving on a daily basis. For all my life, I find a lot of things to be cool. I started doing graphic design when I was in middle school. I will never forget the day I landed my first, ever, personal copy of Photoshop and man, that was when all the magic happened. I never stopped learning. Growing up, we only have one huge desktop computer (I didn't get my first personal laptop until I was 18 - when I got accepted to college). It sounded like a first world problem and no doubt it was. However, think about all the kids that get "early" access to technology nowadays. Having only one computer in a 4-person household meant we were always fighting for time to check emails, check out the internet (I grew up in the 90s, so think that annoying sound when you're trying to hook up to the internet through dial-up). I was in middle school so I would get out of school everyday pretty early. Being home first meant I had the opportunity to be on the bulky desktop computer for extended periods of time. I read up tutorials. I learned from other designers. It was a super fun and rewarding process.

I got really good at what I was doing.

Then it seemed as though I plateaued. I continued doing design work for student organizations and friends even during college. However, I never felt I was good enough to get an actual job as a graphic designer. While I was learning, I also dipped my toes in web design - ah, the good old days of HTML and CSS. I learned a lot. I never gave up the opportunity to learn. But then I became somewhat independent when I entered college. I suddenly had all the freedom to do whatever I wanted to do and that is the problem. I began slacking off. I stopped learning because I lost the confidence. I lost the drive because I started comparing myself in a really unhealthy way. I was experiencing the worst kind of imposter syndrome. Now and then, I am able to find a little bit of confidence, but not to the extent that I can truly tell myself that I am good enough.

That lack of confidence coupled with being a generalist meant I felt stuck. It felt more difficult to get myself to create something great. I felt (and still feel) like I'm always living in the shadows, constantly falling back into the worst habits - feeling insufficient. What was the point of typing all of that out? It's a constant reminder to myself that I need to stop comparing myself in such a detrimental way. 

To help rebuild confidence, I am taking baby steps to keep learning. I haven't given up on the fact that I want to build websites and apps. I still want to get into the field of UX design or public policy because my interests lie ultimately in creating processes and policies that would benefit society. I want to solve problems and I want to engage in a constant exchange of ideas with other people. I want to break free from this cyclical routine of feeling down and beating myself up. I want to keep experiencing. Most importantly, I want to ultimately find a passion that marries all the general interests I have.

Deep down, I realized there is nothing wrong with working a full-time job I don't necessarily enjoy. I'm not saying that to suggest I have given up all hopes. My take on it is simply the income I am earning from the job is fueling bigger opportunities - it allows me to go travel, to go see the world, to keep learning, and most importantly, recognize what I am capable of doing.

Anyhow, I feel like I have word vomited a whole lot. To end, I really have no fucks to give anymore because as cheesy as it sounds, it's now or ever.